In Search of Deodorant

I know I said I would finish this post yesterday because I had no life, but suddenly I had a life, so this post had to wait until today. For those of you who struggled through yesterday because you couldn't function without knowing the end of the story ... well, I apologize that you, too, have no life.

To recap, I had to find a deodorant without anti-perspirant in it. Since not sweating is as important to me as not smelling bad is, I had no deodorant at home without anti-perspirant. So I headed to the store where I discovered that there is no women's deodorant made that doesn't have anti-perspirant in it. Trust me, I checked them all:  the solids, the roll-ons, even the aerosols. (Who knew they even made aerosols any more?)

Of course this made sense to me. What woman in her right mind is going to think, okay, I know I have huge sweat stains under my arms, but I don't stink, so I'm good. Women have more common sense than that. So I reluctantly crossed the aisle and began searching through the men's deodorants. To my surprise, several different brands had a deodorant only choice.

Am I the only one that finds that weird? Generally speaking, who sweats more, men or women? I can almost see a man thinking he's covered as long as there's no odor, but eventually you'd think he'd get the idea that the soaked shirt beneath his arms might be costing him some dates. Not to mention sweat causes odor, and there's only so much one deodorant can do.

Whatever the reason, there was deodorant without anti-perspirant. I just had to choose one. But which one would make me smell the least like a man? Women's fragrances are easy to understand. Deodorants are labeled "powdered" or "lavender". You know what you're getting. There's a specific scent you're looking to achieve. With men, their scents are labeled things like, "classic", "phoenix", "sport", "blast", and "thunder". Who comes up with this stuff? What are they hoping to achieve? If a woman wears a lavender scent, it's because she wants to smell like lavender. What does a guy want to smell like when he wears something called thunder? What does thunder smell like? I've never known a guy to smell like a thunderstorm, so I don't think that's the effect they're going for. I'm thinking the effect is psychological, but I gotta tell you--if you're personality didn't resemble thunder before, I don't think an application of deodorant is going to make a difference.

At any rate, I finally found one scent that was the same for men and women:  fresh. Fresh was fresh, right? Clean-smelling. Gender-neutral. Except, not quite. Turns out even fresh smells different for a man than it does for a woman. But still, it was better than some of the other choices, so I bought my man's deodorant, sans anti-perspirant and headed for home.

So I spent Tuesday smelling fresh like only a man can. Come to think of it, maybe that overly pink office had it uses after all. Perhaps it cuts down on the urge to scratch and spit in public.

What's That Smell?

Okay so I went for a mammogram earlier this week. My first, and hopefully my last for quite a while. And as fun as that experience wasn't, that's not what I want to talk about. Well, except to say two things. One, that whole office was way. too. pink. seriously. I'm not overly fond of the color, but a little in moderation is okay. On Tuesday I achieved my pink quota for the entire year 2011. I get why they do it, but it still set my teeth on edge.

The other thing was, as soon as I gave them my name and told them why I was there, they asked if anyone had talked to me about my bill. I told them I'd never been to their facility before. They said yes, but based on my insurance, my deductible, my amount of coverage and the procedures I was having done, I would owe several hundred dollars and they would be glad to collect it as soon as I filled out my paperwork.

And the rest of the visit was about as fun as that.

Anyway, when my doctor's office told me I needed the mammogram, they gave me several sheets of instructions. I am a rule follower, and I always like to do things correctly so I dutifully read everything they gave me.

The first sheet was filled with information on things that might make you think you need to schedule a mammogram. Since they had already told me to get one, this paper kind of seemed like a waste of time. I still kept reading because, if you're going to have medical tests done, there is always prep work to do. Blood glucose test? Fasting from midnight, please. Ultrasound while pregnant? Drink a gallon of water and then let the baby use your bladder as a trampoline for an hour before you come in. When I worked for a proctologist (side note: I should have made sure I knew the definition of all of his titles before I took the job) I was always giving pages of instructions to patients that listed several days worth of really horrible stuff prep work they had to do before tests.

To my relief, I discovered that I was required to do absolutely nothing before my ultrasound on Tuesday. Hooray! A little further reading told me that the day of the mammogram I should refrain from using lotion. Check. Or powder. Check. Or deodorant.

Huh?

Now I don't know about you, but I've never considered deodorant to be optional. Lotion and powder are nice, and it's inconvenient to do without them, but I can if I have to. But deodorant? I'd no sooner go without deodorant than I'd go without my shirt. But there it was in black and white. So what to do?

The only thing that made sense was to reserve the first appointment in the morning. It was a good idea, but they had nothing available until mid-afternoon. Before I could mention it, the woman on the phone told me deodorant was fine, but not to use lotion or powder the day of the test.

Whew! I was very relieved until the day before the test when another woman called to remind me of my appointment. In a no-nonsense tone she informed that I needed to arrive 30 minutes early, and that under no circumstances was I to use lotion that day. Check. Or powder. Check. Or deodorant.

Wait! "The other lady told me I could use deodorant," I protested.

Come to find out, deodorant is actually okay. But the aluminum ingredient in anti-perspirant shows up on the mammogram, so anti-perspirant is a no-no. Well, it may be a no-no, but in central Florida it's still a necessity. But maybe for one day? I decided to be grateful that I needed these tests done after the weather had started turning cooler. And then I headed to the store to get some deodorant without any anti-perspirant in it. But that's here I ran into a whole new set of problems.

Yes, I'm  actually going to do a two-parter about deodorant. This is what happens when you have no life.