Monday, January 21, 2013

The World's Best Diet Plan

We do it every year. Or we know someone that does. Losing weight is the top New Year's resolution on many lists, and the reason gym memberships and diet books sell like (low carb) hotcakes in January. I've had it as a resolution for so long, that it automatically appears at the #1 spot on the list whenever I write the word "resolutions". 1. Lose weight.


Almost everyone wants to lose weight. Or get in shape. Or become a completely different person. Well, maybe not that last one so much. But still we're thinking about it. Some want to lose 100 pounds. Some want to lose 10. Some just want to bulk up. Some want to slim down.

And for every different person's resolution, there's a different plan to help get us there. The problem is, I've found a flaw with almost every plan.

There's Paleo and Atkins, South Beach and Zone. They may work, but I'm afraid if I mix them up and drink Atkins shakes while eating Zone bars, I'll actually gain weight instead of losing it.

And of course there are the old tried-and-true standbys: Weight Watchers - I've actually caught myself cheating on points; Jenny Craig - ever notice how all their spokespeople seem to gain weight back as soon as their contract is up? As for Nutrisystem, you need to listen to their advertisements carefully. They ship food to your door in perfectly proportioned (re: tiny) servings. I'd have to sign both my husband and myself up, and then eat both our servings in order to get a decent meal. Which probably also defeats the purpose of the diet plan, but whatever.

And then of course, there's the fad diets:  the grapefruit diet, the cabbage diet (I'll bet that one's fun!) and the liquids-only diets.

You can do all the standard diet techniques such as get a diet buddy (we encouraged each other to cheat), or start a food journal. I'm sorry, but writing about food is NOT going to make me stop wanting to eat. In fact, just writing this post is making me hungry. And I tend to "forget" to write down anything that shouldn't be on the list anyway.

One of the problems with all these diets are that they are so stinkin' expensive! Don't you just love when the commercials say their program is only $30 a month! Cost of food extra. Can someone explain to me exactly what I'm paying for if I haven't even bought the food yet? Oh, that's right. I'm paying for the privilege of showing up once a week and having you watch me step on a scale. I'm paying you to give me guilt. Yeah. You should be paying me for that one.

Well you can pack all your money in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile 'cause I've got the perfect diet plan for you. Doesn't matter if you're slimming down, building muscle, trimming fat, or getting into shape. It doesn't matter if you're training for a 10k run, or you'd just like to be able to walk faster than the snail in your driveway.

The best part is, this diet doesn't cost you anything. Well, nothing you weren't going to spend already. And it's absolutely foolproof!

So what is this miracle diet? It's called My Child is Getting Married and I Have to Lose Weight Before the Wedding Day Diet.

I admit the title needs work.

I've been on this diet before. You all may remember a couple of years ago when I lost seventy sixty pounds before Matt and Kylee's wedding day. (I thought it was seventy, but turns out my math skills were a bit lacking. Shocker!)

There is a downside to this diet plan. Once the wedding is over, the motivation pretty much is also out the window. I discovered this the hard way when some of those unwanted pounds started coming back.

Thankfully, my daughter came to the rescue! Stephanie's always looking out for me, and I'm sure that's why she recently got engaged.

I think I mentioned a while ago that she was dating this guy ...

... and it seems like they both thought this was a pretty good thing.

So eventually Zack decided to make a phone call--to Indiana. That might have been a daunting task except that the guys had already bonded over hunting. But even at that, I think Zack was nervous the night he called Stephanie's dad to ask permission to marry her. He explained that he loved our daughter very much and was asking for our blessing.

And Indiana said no.

After waiting through a long and awkward silence, Indiana said, "Just kidding!"

I guess he wanted to make sure Zack's heart was strong enough to take being married into our family.

Steph didn't realize Zack had asked permission, so she was totally caught off guard when he popped the question.

Although they were far away when he proposed, Zack won big points because he tried to skype us with his phone so that we could witness the proposal. It wasn't his fault they were in Podunkville where the cell service was not that great.

And here Stephanie sat in the restaurant wondering why Zack and his entire family were so consumed with how their reception was and who's phone was getting the best signal.

I guess he's pretty good at surprises.

At any rate, I'm very grateful to her for saying yes so that I can get back on the World's Best Diet Plan.

Since the happy couple are getting married before the end of summer, I've plunged back into the deprivation of dieting and the agony of exercising with grim determination.

I've already lost 10 pounds. I figure I owe it to Zack and Steph to do my best at this dieting thing since they're so willing to go to all this trouble for me.

I'm sure that's the main reason, anyway.

Just wait 'til she finds out what I've told you before--the most important person at the wedding is the mother of the groom. I'm sure that's the way Zack's mom will see things.

Just like I did.


  1. Congrats to the happy couple! I'm waiting for my older daughter to get engaged too... not for weight loss tho! Ha! On that concern, I always say "moderation and MOVE!" It really comes down to eating the right amount of food, sensibly, and doing some sort of exercise each day. I don't always sbide by it but I know it's the best way to stay healthy!

  2. Congratulations to the happy couple--and you, too! You'll not only have an excuse to diet, you'll be gaining another son.

  3. Aww, congrats to the happy couple!

    Just fyi-a wicked respiratory infection is good for a few pounds...I've been drinking gallons, but haven't eaten much at all this week. I don't recommend it...a wedding is definitely a better way to drop pounds!

  4. Good luck with your plan. Sounds like your off to a great start. I'd try it, but my girls won't cooperate! haha

  5. Love it! And congrats to the happy couple. I totally thought you were going to say a wicked stomach bug was the best weight loss plan! LOL This sounds much more run, albeit a tad more expensive in the long run!

    So excited you have your girl to experience this with.

    LOL - the word verification was "gencellX". Minus the e for gene, I'd say that fits! LOL

  6. Hey! Where are you?! It's entirely too quiet over here for a Wednesday! :-)

  7. So that's how it's done!
    A colonscopy is good for about 5 pounds, only use that one if absolutely necessary!


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